March 5th, 2013

We drove the kids up to Zion today.  We just had to get out of the depressing house and try to make the kids feel normal.  They really needed our attention.  I told Anika when someone dies, families need a lot of time together to give each other extra love.  I have felt like I don't want to leave Brandon's side, even to go downstairs alone. We really needed today to be together, close together.  And to rest.

We drove through the Zion tunnel.  Anika thought that was great fun.  It was nice to see her enjoying herself.  When  you come out of the black tunnel, the light seems blinding. We parked in the campground and walked down to the river to let the kids throw rocks in it.  The sun was so bright, I could hardly see.  I hadn't felt the sun soak my skin for a very long time... or I was just too sick to notice.  It feels weird, unrecognizable to not be sick.  I haven't thrown up since I was in labor, standing over the toilet vomiting up cranberry juice while simultaneously peeing all over the floor.

Sitting there on the west bank of the Virgin River, I felt like I had just split the Red Sea, wandered in the wilderness for forty years, crossed the River Jordan and was sitting on its west bank...The Promised Land.  I was resting with my family in the crimson-bright light.  How beautiful, I thought, will it be when we walk where the pain ends and into the light.  Into the arms of everyone we've ever known and loved.  The sweet will be sweet only because we have tasted the bitter.  The joy will be joy only because we have known the pain.