Halloweenie

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On numerous occasions, I've verbalized to Brandon that I wouldn't mind any calling in the church except... being in charge of Homemaking night. Or at least it used to be called Homemaking. Then they changed it to Enrichment. And now, apparently, it's simply called Relief Society meeting. I think they keep changing the name so that when they ask you if you will do it, you say yes but only because you don't know what in the world a Relief Society meeting coordinator is. The title is so covert, even the Bishop didn't know what it was.

I came home last week from meeting with the Bishop totally surprised. Surprised because I've only been a ward missionary for 6 months. And surprised at my reaction. I totally went down in my room and cried. In fact, it was hard to make it to my car and home before I broke down. I have loved being a ward missionary. I felt like I got dumped by my boyfriend and needed to eat a quart of ice cream. At this point, I still didn't know what a Relief Society meeting coordinator was or I would have been upset for another reason.

When I found out that Relief Society meeting was really Enrichment which is really Homemaking, I about died. Leave it to the Universe to bring to me exactly the thing I have always said I never wanted to do. Leave it to Heavenly Father to never let us get comfortable.

Surely, Heavenly Father knows I can't even plan, organize, and execute a birthday party for my own child. She's 4 and I'm still stacking two boxes of ding dongs into a pyramid and calling it a cake. Surely He knows I'm extraordinarily uncomfortable taking initiative, taking charge, and delegating work. Oh, I cringe.

Speaking in church doesn't phase me. Knocking on doors with the missionaries is a delight. But even organizing a planning meeting to plan the RS thingy makes me squirm.

I met with my committee at my house tonight and they were so lovely and nice and helpful. So I feel much relieved. Which is good. Because last night I literally had nightmares all night about this upcoming quilting thing. I even woke up to nurse twice and went back to bed to have more nightmares each time.

Isn't it funny? Isn't it funny how Heavenly Father makes us grow? There is no other way to grow besides being uncomfortable and doing the things you don't want to do. And I think sometimes we bring 'problems' to ourselves. We seek problems because we seek gifts. And the only reason I say yes to these callings is because every single time, I grow to love it. Problems have gifts for you in their hands. This one is a big stretch for me, though. Me? Homemaking night?

I am, though, making the Sister Missionaries promise not to dump me, whether I remain an official missionary or not. They always need members at discussions. Phew!

_____________________________

I had to walk Ben during RS today and I felt very overwhelmed with his heavy bod, my heavy bag, and my inordinate fear of planning, organizing, and calling ladies on the phone.

We looked at this painting for a while.

I look at this picture a lot in the hall with Ben and always fixate on the woman with the infant. I imagine she's thinking... This is amazing! It's Jesus! Now where am I gonna sit down and nurse this baby?

I imagine she feels exactly like I did this summer at Knotts Berry Farm as I looked and looked for a private corner, nook, or bench to nurse Ben.

Then I wonder if, culturally, it was acceptable way back then to get your breasts out whenever/ wherever and even leave them out all day and I get mad because I want to leave my breasts out all day. Because hello! Babies need them, like, all. the. time.

And then Ben and I were looking at this painting and he got very excited.


He kept looking at the painting, then back to me with a huge grin on his face.

And then I felt better.

I remembered the WHY of all we do.

I can do this, I thought. I can call ladies on the phone!

Yoda

Anika and Emmet insisted Ben be Yoda for Halloween.

Check it.

This.

I have this problem.

Not concubines... difficulty conveying meaning.

Words are weird.

LITTLE IS BIG

I have a tendency to look at little kids and think they are little. That sounded stooopid. How do I put this? It's easy to disregard what young people are capable of understanding. It's easy to look at adolescents, teenagers as idiots. So many young people are capable and brilliant and already responsible for themselves as they approach God.

I'm not feeling at all articulate tonight. I need sleep. Stay with me. I'll try desperately to make sense.

I've been a ward missionary for 6 months or so now and have been amazed. It has been the coolest experience. One thing on this journey that has surprised me is how many youths are investigators. It never crossed my mind, really, that little kids would be taking the discussions. A lot of times, the family is inactive and the kid wants to be baptized. And sometimes they are from a home with no members and still want to be baptized, their parents allowing it.

This one little kid we are teaching now is 11. He basically is raising himself. He is home alone all day and buzzes to the chapel on his razor scooter for lessons. He wants to be baptized. I was sitting there looking at him thinking... What is this little kid doing? An 11 year old boy making time and effort to learn to pray, learn about all the principles of the gospel? He's so little!

This other little boy the Sisters are teaching comes from an inactive family and is leading his family. He is 9! 9 people! The Sisters gave him some picture Book of Mormon stories to read and he said to us... "No, I've just been reading the real Book of Mormon." He showed us where he had been reading. 9! Reading the Book of Mormon on his own terms, his initiative.

There are two 15 yr. old boys who are friends that are also awesome. They phase, moment to moment, in and out of being immature 15 yr. old boys to men. It's so confusing. One second, they can barely sit through a video because they have the laughs and are making fun of the Jesus actor because he looks like Tom Hanks and the next second one will say something so profound and spiritual. I look at them both and can catch glimpses of their great potential. I can see the men God could make out of them if they let Him. One finished the Book of Mormon and was starting it again. The Sisters asked him why he likes to read it. He said, "It makes me feel good."

Anyways.

Seeing these wonderful little people has been such a great reminder of what kids are capable of. It is natural when we get older to forget kids are capable. In fact, it's the age the Lord loves. Joseph Smith, David, etc.

So back to Lupe, the 11 yr. old. I was staring at him during his lesson, wracking my brain wondering why he was so into it. And I remembered...

I was 11 when I first read the Book of Mormon from start to finish. I was taught in Primary about Moroni's promise (10: 4-5) and I thought, Well that sounds like a good plan to me.

I was upstairs alone in Mom's room the night I finished reading it for the first time. I closed the book and thought for a bit. Well, I guess I'll go pray about it like Moroni said...

I went in my room, knelt down and asked Heavenly Father if the book I just read was true. I had barely uttered the sentence when I was flooded with feelings I had never felt in that degree. Love. Joy. Peace. Rejoicing. Love. Love. Love. I started to weep. I knew Heavenly Father was real and had just answered my prayer. I was big into writing in a journal at that period of my life and wrote about my experience... My heart felt like it was replaced with the sun and sunshine. (Yes, I've always been dorky.) But sunshine it was. Literal, physical light and glory.I didn't really understand at the time that these were the feelings of the Spirit that I would become well acquainted with during my life.

Though I didn't understand much of the Book of Mormon when I read it at 11, I understood the Spirit of it.

If someone (anyone!) reads the Book of Mormon with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, God will manifest the truth of it through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Being with the Sisters and teaching these kids has been such a good reminder. Why is it that we grow up and forget we were once 11? I've been trying to look at all these young whippersnappers with eyes that can see their great capacity. Little bodies have big spirits. Or large capacity.

^Pine nut picking/ camping. Camping+kids= a form of torture.

^Sad but true. Ben sits up to get sleepy and then slumps over, folded in half, sound asleep. Once he is asleep, I go in and roll him over so his legs don't lose circulation. Weirdo.