Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Haha
Ben took one look at Papa John on the pizza box last night and said, "Jesus!" Hahaha, too funny. Maybe if we doodled a beard on?
Monday, March 11, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
73!
Happy birthday, Mom! NO ONE is a better Mom than MY MOM! I love you! You're the greatest. Sorry your day wasn't too exciting. We really must have a do-over later this week. :)
Thursday, March 7, 2013
One Week Ago Today
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
March 5th, 2013
We drove the kids up to Zion today. We just had to get out of the
depressing house and try to make the kids feel normal. They really
needed our attention. I told Anika when someone dies, families need a
lot of time together to give each other extra love. I have felt like I
don't want to leave Brandon's side, even to go downstairs alone. We
really needed today to be together, close together. And to rest.
We drove through the Zion tunnel. Anika thought that was great fun. It was nice to see her enjoying herself. When you come out of the black tunnel, the light seems blinding. We parked in the campground and walked down to the river to let the kids throw rocks in it. The sun was so bright, I could hardly see. I hadn't felt the sun soak my skin for a very long time... or I was just too sick to notice. It feels weird, unrecognizable to not be sick. I haven't thrown up since I was in labor, standing over the toilet vomiting up cranberry juice while simultaneously peeing all over the floor.
Sitting there on the west bank of the Virgin River, I felt like I had just split the Red Sea, wandered in the wilderness for forty years, crossed the River Jordan and was sitting on its west bank...The Promised Land. I was resting with my family in the crimson-bright light. How beautiful, I thought, will it be when we walk where the pain ends and into the light. Into the arms of everyone we've ever known and loved. The sweet will be sweet only because we have tasted the bitter. The joy will be joy only because we have known the pain.
We drove through the Zion tunnel. Anika thought that was great fun. It was nice to see her enjoying herself. When you come out of the black tunnel, the light seems blinding. We parked in the campground and walked down to the river to let the kids throw rocks in it. The sun was so bright, I could hardly see. I hadn't felt the sun soak my skin for a very long time... or I was just too sick to notice. It feels weird, unrecognizable to not be sick. I haven't thrown up since I was in labor, standing over the toilet vomiting up cranberry juice while simultaneously peeing all over the floor.
Sitting there on the west bank of the Virgin River, I felt like I had just split the Red Sea, wandered in the wilderness for forty years, crossed the River Jordan and was sitting on its west bank...The Promised Land. I was resting with my family in the crimson-bright light. How beautiful, I thought, will it be when we walk where the pain ends and into the light. Into the arms of everyone we've ever known and loved. The sweet will be sweet only because we have tasted the bitter. The joy will be joy only because we have known the pain.
March 4th
Dearest Ivan,
The day you were born was the day the sky changed from a winter sky into a spring sky. We buried you today, the day the spring winds came. The grass was half green, the trees hinting of pollen. I imagine myself as a wrinkled old woman, still wearing your golden ring around my neck. Dozens of springs lie ahead of me. Thousands of days... I will long to hold you and kiss your sweet cheek each and every one of them. Like the world in winter, seemingly dead, you lie dormant. But I know you live. I know we will be together again. I know you're looking down on us, my sweet angel. I miss you. I love you.
Love,
Your Mama
The day you were born was the day the sky changed from a winter sky into a spring sky. We buried you today, the day the spring winds came. The grass was half green, the trees hinting of pollen. I imagine myself as a wrinkled old woman, still wearing your golden ring around my neck. Dozens of springs lie ahead of me. Thousands of days... I will long to hold you and kiss your sweet cheek each and every one of them. Like the world in winter, seemingly dead, you lie dormant. But I know you live. I know we will be together again. I know you're looking down on us, my sweet angel. I miss you. I love you.
Love,
Your Mama
Sunday, March 3, 2013
For Alana ...
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
Little Snowdrop
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
Little Snowdrop
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown
Friday, March 1, 2013
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